I looked through our pictures today, and for the first time, didn't feel that reflexive stab of pain. The hurt has begun to scar, finally.

I've always been terrible at not picking at scabs.

I hope you're doing well, and that you're taking care of yourself. I wish you well, and I try not to be curious about how you're doing - the less I know, the better. For now, at least.

They say it takes half as long as the relationship to get over someone. I hope they're wrong, whoever "they" are.

"And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones"



And your voice - thrums along my pulse, irresistible and --. Cerulean eyes spangled with sunlight, roughsoft hands tangled in copper-umber hair, warm laughter rumbling deliciously against my cheek.

"And if you don't love me, let me go
And if you don't love me, let me go ..."

... Finally. >_<; I thought finals would NEVAR end!

I'm off to Paris to visit my aunt, and then to a cruise with the rest of the family in Copenhagen. I've stayed up all night packing (again!), and trying to fit a roomful of stuff into three suitcases. Not very sucessful so far. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm off! Happy summer everybody!

It's 6:30 AM and I have one page left to go on the Worst. Paper. I. Have. Ever. Written. After this I have just one exam, I'll probably take it in the afternoon and then I'll be done, done, done ... ack.

6:45. The sun is reflecting pale green light off the pine tree outside the window. It's a beautiful day. Half a page more, then an introduction. My hands are freezing but I've caught a second? third? fourth? wind.

Thesaurus.com has been giving me trouble lately - I look up a word, and it takes forever for it to decide that the server is busy at that moment. Then I refresh it and it loads in the usual second or two. O_o;

7:03. I promised myself that I would go to bed by now ... it's such a pretty day though. And I'm getting work done. Sigh.

7:17. Other people in the same boat as I am ... reassuring, somehow. Hungry hungry.

7:30. Ooof ... tired now. Sleeeeeepy. *headdesk*

Today (technically yesterday):

Watched "The Foreigner", a student-directed/produced show - was excellent! I wish I could have stayed until the end, I wanted to see what the Klan boys would do. I had to leave to tutor a middle school girl from the town of Wellesley (read: rich as all hell) in Japanese for an hour (read: easy $40). Tips for motivating kids to sit up and pay attention, anybody? It gets rather frustrating and boring, and I'm sure she's none too happy either ... still, the pay keeps me coming back. Apparently the teachers at school adore her for her creativity. Hm.

Then I ran errands for Lili for a while, getting things and transporting pizza in preparation for Video Game Night. As girlfriend of the president of WAC, I guess I'm a de facto extra pair of hands when it comes to dragging PS2s from point A to point B ... still, it was amusing, and good exercise. Then GLOW practice, and Slater! The international culture groups have an annual showcase of their work (usually dancing), and we participated as a circus group. I've learned to spin poi this semester, and apparently people liked it and I didn't screw up, yay! Our costumes were basically sparkly scraps of fabric over black pants and shirt, and lots of sparkles on face/hair - it was fun to watch it float through the air, hehe. Poi was first, then stilts in the first act, then in the second half of the show there was juggling (in which a certain Tiger did AMAZINGLY WELL ^_^), hoops by our president who is basically the master of all circus trades, and our finale was acrobatics - tumbling, pyramids, etc. We finished with a five-person tower, yay! Haven't fallen from that once. *crosses fingers* All in all, a *great* show.

Then we went to Video Game Night where I ogled the Olin boys' DDR abilities ... and made an ass of myself on "light" difficulty. Siiiiigh.

'Twas a fun night though. Going into Boston tomorrow to just hang out, it'll be cold but clear - perfect for a walk through the Commons and hot chocolate afterwards. Squee!

... but I promise a full update as soon as I get my life (read: hw-load) back on track. Being sick for about a week and a half at the beginning of the semester is no fun at all.

On a lighter note, looky what's in the Massachusetts Criminal Law, 272:36:

"Whoever wilfully blashphemes the holy name of God by denying, cursing, or contumerliously reproaching God, his creation, government or final judging of the world, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching Jesus Christ of the Holy Ghost, or by cursing or contumeliously reproaching or exposing to contempt and ridicule, the holy word of God contained in the holy scriptures shall be punished by imprisonment in jail for not more than one year or by a fine of not more than three hundred dollars, and may also be bound to good behavior."

... Guess who would be in debt within five seconds of waking up? ;D

It's in my own head this time, failure, failure, you're a miserable waste of time and money, why should I sink so much effort and money on you that could be better used for other things, you've changed you've changed you've changed and for the worse, I don't know what's gotten into you but you never used to be like this until I sent you off so far away, I had such wonderful dreams for your success and I practically paved the way for you to get there but now but now but now look at what you've produced, you're not worth the effort I've expended on you past and present, why should I let you continue with the future the way you have. No, the insidious voice continues, let me take you back under my wing, and teach you the values that you once knew. Let me teach you respect for your family and your elders, let me teach you loyalty to your family above all else, let me teach you morality (even at the expense of education), let me teach you to take charge of your life and to make responsible decisions. I will plan out each step of your life for you, so that you will only encounter success.

And in my head the other voice, the one that screams inside me but can never never never be let out, the one that savours, thrives upon the dark irony paradox thrust in my face in my life. Tired, tired, I'm weak, but I tried? Maybe? Uncertainty, that's my problem. I've never wanted something so badly in my life. And I tried, and I tried, and ohgod I'm so tired ... funny how those two words have the same letters juxtaposed. Perhaps someone else can make some poetic sense of it, Ize 2 tyrd has world splinterinks kthxbye.

I failed. I tried, I tried every rhetorical device and argument I had, but ultimately my miserable, worthless nature revealed itself and I failed.

I'm sorry. Paltry words, but I shan't trouble you with more.

I'm sorry.

Insidious, creeping creeping past cracks around the windows, rushing inside whenever a door is opened, a hot damp wall of wet that smacks into you and leaves you gasping for breath, stealing into ice cubes and the sweaty sweaty back of your neck and curling up inside your backpack, a malevolent fog whose grasping tendrils are still felt hours later in the cool refuge of air conditioning. The kind of heat that brings to mind the word "languish", the tongue curling in your mouth before throwing out the first "ah", then flopping back and helplessly sliding the rest of the word out of your mouth, the final sibilant "ssshhhhhh" hissing tiredly and fading. The will to move slowly roasted from your body, a heat so solid that walking forward feels like pushing against a block of drenched, fiery sponge. Houston in summer.

And at night, sharing a bed but lying alone in my thoughts, a different kind of heat. The kind that I would let consume me, willingly, the kind that only you can tame, or make flare ever brighter. The kind that burned my eyes that day we parted, that scorched my throat as I left you behind for this parched and forsaken land, that branded my heart as forever yours the instant you kissed me so deeply my bare, badly lit dorm room spun around me and my bare, badly lit life flared with a million possibilities. I miss you.

Or rather, their fans. Enjoy!

Hott4Hill

I Got a Crush ... on Obama

Today is shaping up to be a good day. The sun's out and it's not too humid. Lili and I just ordered pizza for lunch, and we're going to walk it off by going malling in Natick! I might go pick up a dish chair at Target as well, since I'll need to return the chair I stole from the common room soon.

Things are happy. Class is going well too, although I do need to finish up my second composition and turn it in. Anne invited me to Martha's Vineyard next weekend, so I'll be leaving immediately after class on Thursday and probably won't be back until Monday. Then two weeks after that, Lili and I are going to New York! *squee* I need to look up hotels though. And cross my fingers for rush tickets and/or TKTS. We'll spend two days in NYC and then the rest of the weekend at her house in NJ, and then drive back up to Boston. Yayyy summer!

Alorah and Parnian's latest project is several kinds of awesome. It involves a large pile of plastic bottles, several rolls of duct tape, a light plywood board, and a large body of water. Best of luck to them! I will also insist upon proper pirate outfits once the craft has been proven lake-worthy. :D

I saw Transformers last weekend - didn't think that I would like it that much, since I was never really into robots as a kid, but it was excellent! I definitely recommend it, though suspension of disbelief rules still apply. We also got eaten alive by mosquitoes after the movie, which was unfortunate.

Hard to believe that there's less than two months of summer left, really. Finals seems like such a short while ago, but at the same time it feels like it's been summer forever. One thing I'm looking forward to though, is seeing the rest of my friends again. Hopefully things will work out once school starts.

Finding a pencil
Pizza with sausage
Telling the time

Two months it's been. Two glorious months since I first trusted you. You've changed my life so completely and utterly, and entirely for the better. Six months ago I never would've dared to dream that I'd be here today, lying next to you and just listening to your breath.

Happiness is
Learning to whistle
Tying your shoe for
the very first time

Happiness is
Playing the drum in
your own school band
And happiness is
Walking hand in hand

When you first took my hand, I was stunned - I had no idea what to do at all, really. Two thoughts in my head at that point - one, I thought we were just friends?!? And two, our hands fit so well together ... ohgod can I let myself hope but I really shouldn't and ahhh what are you doing?!?

It worked out for the best though, I think.

Happiness is
Two kinds of ice cream
Knowing a secret
Climbing a tree

We took a walk around the lake today. There was a tree on the water's edge that had fallen over, but was still above the water - I would never have thought of walking out on it, but you did without any hesitation. And convinced me to follow ... It was so beautiful and peaceful, sitting next to you on that tree and surrounded by a thousand flecks of liquid sunlight.

Happiness is
Five different crayons
catching a firefly
Setting him free

Happiness is
Being alone every now and then
And happiness is
Coming home again

You've a way of making me feel safe and warm as I never have ... your arms feel like home to me, now.

Time with you has been so idyll - I keep expecting something to go wrong, or some storm cloud to suddenly loom on the horizon - but things have only gotten better so far. And I guess if a storm cloud does come along, we can just wing it xkcd-style.

Happiness is
Morning and ev'ning
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is
Anyone and anything at all that's loved by you

I love you, Tiger.

"If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping." - Questionable Content

The last two weeks -
I flew home after a sleepless night packing
I cleaned the entire house and reorganized the garage/storage rooms
I relearned how to drive
I saw PotC3
I got a new motherboard in my computer (headphones work now!)
I got a new cell phone (it works too! - same number)
I did not get a new brain (doesn't really work :/)
I had In-N-Out, Cha, and finally tried that Mexican restaurant in the Spectrum
I hung out at Starbucks and randomly met people whom I hadn't seen in six years
I went to the beach and walked around Balboa Island
I drove down Newport Beach with the windows down and the music blasting
I failed my driver's test after hitting the curb on a right turn
But most importantly, I finally hung out with my wonderful friends from middle/high school and we chatted about everything and nothing. I missed you guys ... ^^

And now?

I'm back at Wellesley
I moved (with help) a total of 150 pounds of luggage from the Computer Rail to Lake House yesterday
I moved more luggage today (not mine)
I have a shift from 7am to 4:30pm tomorrow
Little old ladies (aka alums) have infested the campus for the weekend
Bugs have infested the campus for the summer
I have wireless internet in my third-floor Lake House room
I am hopefully going to the Origami USA convention from June 22 to 25, if I can find a place to sleep and people to go with
I am listening to Mal Blum's song "This is Not a Date" right now
I hung out with a truly amazing and awesome person all day yesterday
Friends will be coming back soon
I am home.

I have a longer post brewing in my mind, but it will have to wait until I can get more than three hours of sleep before having to get up, take a shower, then sit and answer questions for seven plus hours. Goodnight!

... No, not the porn. XD

So I went online yesterday for the first time in about four days, and saw nooralqalam's note on Facebook saying that she had an extra ticket for Pirates of the Caribbean 3 at 12:15. To everyone who hasn't seen it yet - GO SEE IT. NOW.
The only complaint that I had was the rather liberal use of slow-motion with a heavy dose of symbolism in one scene. Mer. The costumes were AMAZING though - Elizabeth is really. Freaking. Hot.

Odd, coming back home actually felt like taking a trip. I miss Wellesley, and my friends at school. I miss random dance parties, and watching movies until 2 in the morning, and peppering conversations with silly, inane quotes ... I especially miss my tiger.

I'm back in Irvine, but it feels like a bit of me drove over to New Jersey instead ...

Two weeks.

That the weather would clear up.

That I didn't have so much work due.

That I had more time to spend with my friends before they leave for the summer.

That I had more time to spend with you before the summer.

That I could know for sure that you wouldn't hurt me.

That I had the confidence that I could break through your defenses.

That it didn't hurt so much to play the rational sounding board and caring ear sometimes. But that's what I'm here for ...

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴 安靜的舊舊的
我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道 你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我 也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開... - 周杰倫, "安靜"

These past twenty or so days have really been a roller-coaster of emotions. Practically speaking, you've taught me rather a lot - but more than that, I've come to care about you, deeply...

Damn emotions. Get in the way every time.

Someone get me these PLEASE!!! They are so many kinds of awesome ... I want ...!!!

EDIT: (May 13th) The ever-amazing Xloe made these for meee!!! AAAHHH I lerves you forevers. <3 <3 <3

Chopin Ballade 1 It takes a while to load and the quality isn't very good, but Horowitz is just amazing. So lovely to listen to while writing papers daydreaming.

Punch an'Pie is a webcomic by the author(ess) of Queen of Wands. I highly recommend both of them (QoW has ended though).

I've been listening to so much C- and J-pop recently, but mostly just old stuff. Jay Chou is pretty awesome, and so is SPITZ ^_^ I miss Haruna though.

Mother's Day is tomorrow. In kindergarten in Taiwan, we sang a song for Mother's Day -
五月裡開滿了康乃馨花 (May is full of chrysanthemums blooming)
第二個星期天送給媽媽 (Give them to Mother on the second Sunday)
We made cards and tore up tissue paper to make flowers and brought them home as presents. I never quite knew what to make, and I still don't.

I just got back from my first-ever rock concert! My Chemical Romance with Circus Survive, on May 8th in Worcester Mass.

This was their first concert after they had to cancel several shows due to food poisoning, poor guys. Muse was going to open for them, but they came down with something at the last minute so a local band called Circus Survive (?) opened instead. No one really knew of them, so they didn't get a very warm reception. My friends and I got floor seats and got there pretty early, so we started out at around four or five rows from the front rail. Amusing bits ... two songs into the opening set a girl to the left of me started throwing herself around and attempting to start a mosh ... she was about four rows from the front rail though, so it didn't exactly work. All that happened was that she cleared out a space around her that immediately got filled by people surging up from the back.

Then people started screaming for MCR to come onstage .. and they did! Gerard Way got wheeled onstage while lying on a gurney and sang "The End" while dressed in a hospital gown, then ripped it off and he was wearing the Black Parade outfit (including Sgt. Pepper-style jacket - SO HOT) underneath. They played the entire Black Parade CD through in sequence, with pyrotechnics, confetti, and sparklers ... it was all kinds of amazing. Did I mention that Gerard Way is sooo droolworthy? O_O I had a really good view of Frankie too, he was rocking out on his guitar on stage right and really enjoying it. Oh, SO HOT.

Amusing bits - aside from the usual moshing expected from such a concert, I had the very good luck of standing in front of one craaaaazy girl who evidently thought it was her natural right to get as close to the stage as possible, despite the fact that there were three rows of people packed in like sardines in front of her. (She had bright blue, sparkly eyeshadow/liner on, so I mentally called her Sparkle-girl.) Halfway through MCR's first set, she set in on my back, kicking, punching, even trying to climb on me in an attempt to get to the front. I didn't want to start anything, but when she lodged her knuckle in my spine I decided I'd had enough and turned around and elbowed her in the stomach, hard. She wasn't too happy about that and made it known. XD My first rock concert and first catfight, all in one night! ^_^v

They played the recording of Blood during "intermission" (yeah right, no one went anywhere), and then MCR's second set was for Revenge. They played some of the songs from the other CDs and ended with Helena. Ah, sooooo hot. Gerard did his usual strutting across the stage/wiggling his hips dance, which never failed to elicit SCREAMS from the audience. Gah, he's adorable. He also jumps around and generally spazzes while singing emphatically. ^_^ *in lerve*

Our group of ten or so took a limo there and back, and stopped at a Pizza Uno (?) on the way back to refuel. It turned out that the group was mostly first-years and we had fun chatting and just generally getting to know each other. All in all, it was a pretty damn rockin' way to mark the end of classes. :D

Well, except for the scratches from Sparkle-girl. Emily soaked those in peroxide for me when we got home. ^^;

Spring. Odd how in other places, spring marks the beginning of the year. The warmer weather means time to get started on work, a new school year, a new job. Still, for others it's time to go out and have fun, go to the beach or out clubbing, walks in the park at dusk. Haruna, Suda, Michiko, and Emi ... They'll have started college by now, or gone on to trade school, or gone abroad. Haruna's still in Venice on AFS though. I wonder how she's doing too.

For a girl in my history class, today's lecture was her last at Wellesley. I wonder how it feels to be done with college after four years. Freedom? Nostalgia? This place feels like home now, but I haven't left campus in six weeks. Perhaps my feelings will change in three years. I'd like to look back on my Wellesley experience fondly, but realistically speaking - how much of my little group of friends will still be with me by senior year? Especially if I go abroad junior year - people are fickle, and I'm a godawful correspondent. Chances are they'll dissipate into their own groups of friends, and we'll see each other in passing, if that. I'll find other people to hang out with, and that will be that.

Other things going on in the life of AnJellicleCat ... I bumped into the girl who hosted me last year when I was a prospie, in the library bathroom of all places, last night. She's going to be working in DC next year as a financial consultant, so hopefully we can have lunch or something before school ends.

I've been stocking up on storage bins and containers, mainly because I'm terrified that I'll run out of boxes and things to store over the summer. Anne is going to let me store some stuff at her house over the summer, or just the stuff that I need for summer school.

Oh, speaking of summer school ... I'm heading home on the 23rd, and then flying back on the night of June 6th to work Reunion weekend, and staying for both sessions of summer school, after which I need to find something to do with myself from the 11th of August to the 1st of September. If anyone's going to be in the Boston area from early June to mid-August, come visit! I have a single and floor space. ;D

The trees outside my window are sprouting leaves again. Funny how nine months ago, I thought to myself that the leaves would die come winter and I would be able to see the lake ... the leaves have fallen, and new ones grown in their place. The lake is beautiful, and I keep telling myself that I should put together all the pictures that I've taken from my window and make a slideshow, but seeing the soft, spring leaves emerge from each branch day after day is even prettier.

Japanese grammar final tomorrow, wish me luck. Genji, here I come.

A peek into the mind of AnJellicleCat ... or something. I dunno.

EDIT - Online Communities
XKCD is so many kinds of win, but this pretty much explodes all the others. ^_^v

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial.

And remember - you CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Famous Artist/Band/Musician: Killers
A song: "Knights of the Round Table" - Spamalot
4 letter word: kick
Color: khaki
Animal: koi
TV Show: "King of Queens"
Country: Kuwait
Boy Name: Kyle
Girl Name: Kirsten
Occupation: kite-maker
Celebrity: Kiera Knightley
Food: Kiwi
Something found in a kitchen: (reader's response here) ;)
Reason for Being Late: kamikaze bombing
Something You Shout: kill j000!!!!!11

----

Pulled an all-nighter last night and got significantly less done than I should have. Then came home after class and took an eight-hour nap ... that's more sleep than I get usually. O_o; Tomorrow's Ruhlman, so there's no class either ... Rachel, Lili and company are talking about going into Boston or to Chameleon. I may tag along, but maybe not ... too much work.

Sexy goings-on are afoot at Wellesley tonight. Or rather, this morning.
"And this concludes lesson number one."

Now, I have papers to write.

I came into this wanting something light, just casual dating. The entire campus knows about us, though. Thinks that we're in a devoted relationship, every day, everywhere I go I'm teased about dating a first year. My boss at work is starting to give me odd looks.

... of course. We're not actually in any sort of a relationship, I know. I shouldn't spend so much time at your workplace. Of course. I shouldn't have mentioned you to so many people. Of course.

Smile. It's the first defense I was taught. When you forget your script onstage at a speech contest, smile. When you forget your lines in a play, smile. When the erstwhile object of your affections tells you to cool ... whatever it is you have, smile, pretend that everything's all right. You can go cry later. Bite your lip, stop that trembling, there you go, a bright wide smile, everything's all right.

"You're smiling ... so you're okay, right?"

Wrong. But you'll never know that.

Yes. Of course. I'm perfectly fine, and of course we can still be friends.

I'm sorry.